Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
by Nicky-Pickle-25
Summary: Oneshot. When Zuko joined the Gaang, Katara hated him, unable to forgive his past sins. A reflection on her thoughts as she goes from hatred to forgiveness, and finds that old wounds never truly healed. zutara friendship, canon plot.


Ahh! Ok, so I SHOULD be typing HPNDP, but I wrote this during class one day while we were learning about AC Power circuits and First Order plus Dead Time PID control or something like that, so I didn't really take up any valuable time away from my more important chapter fic.

I have become slightly obsessed with AtLA, especially Zutara, so I kinda figured that this would get it out of my head long enough to focus on Danny, Harry, and Naruto. Just Katara reflecting on how her hatred for Zuko changed her, and how she finally came to forgive him. Sticks to canon, so it's not a romantic! Zutara. More like a friendship one. And it features angsty Katara, who is never around much. She shouldn't be; I like angsty Zuko much better. XD

**Obligatory disclaimer crud: **I don't own Avatar. But if I did, the casting for the live movie would NOT be as it is now. Dude, at least Jesse McCartney was hot! The new Zuko is NOT. AT. ALL. AND he's dark-skinned, while Katara and Sokka are pale-white. Wtf? I'm not happy. At least Sokka looks pretty close to how I'd imagine. (yah, I'm a Zuko fan girl, but I still think Sokka is a hottie).

Oh, and I stole the title from a Relient K song. Listen to it while/before/after you read! XD acoustic version is best…

* * *

**Who I Am Hates Who I've Been**

Katara knew that she wasn't perfect, but she did play an important role in the close-knit group that had become family, and she played it well. She was the passionate, compassionate, loving soul. She was the mother figure, insuring that everyone had clean clothes, sufficient food, and happy hearts. She was the one to keep Aang focused on his bending, and to keep Sokka's unique brand of logic from getting out of control.

When Toph came, Katara took it upon herself to enforce a sense of decency and community into the independent rebel, as was her nature. They butted heads, stubborn earth against roaring water, but eventually they came to an agreement, and Toph learned to rely on her friends a little more each day. So Katara's place in their group was even more secure, and she reveled in its security and simplicity.

Then _he_ came. And suddenly things weren't so simple and secure.

It was not that he had tricked and betrayed her, and then allowed Aang to be mortally wounded. That was horrible, but at least then she could have something to hate; a slightly obscure, non-human entity to blame and despise. Then she could pretend that the hate was justified, hide it, and go on with her life. But no, he had to change sides _again_ and join them, the very people that he'd hurt so much just months before. And it wasn't _fair_.

Because when he was there, he wasn't an emotionless shell of evil into which she could thrust all of her frustration. He was a real, conflicted teenage boy who had given up his entire life for them; a boy that _had_ to be forgiven, because of all he'd done, even though he'd never asked for it. But she couldn't forgive him, not without finding a new place for all of that hate and hurt deep within her heart, so she treated him as the inhuman _thing_ that she'd pretended him to be for so long, willing him to hurt worse than she did in an attempt to justify her own misgivings. The thing was, he _already_ hurt worse than her. She could see it in his eyes; the pain and sorrow within them was overwhelming. But evil men did not feel pain, so she ignored it.

She hated who she was when she was hating him. Her role as the gentle, loving, forgiving member of the group changed as hatred transformed her into a vengeful, sadistic creature. Her passion turned to aggression; her sympathy to spite. And soon, she realized, at least towards him, _she_ had become the aggressor.

Indeed, he seemed to take on much of her previous responsibilities, so that he was the one insuring that Aang was sticking to his bending lessons, offering the quiet but firm advice that would guide him to mastery. He became the cool reason to temper Sokka's impulsiveness, especially after their united effort to rescue both her father and Suki. And his passion, no longer marred by anger, was tempered by humility and grace.

In addition, he had managed to reach out to the one person of the group who had seemed impenetrable, and become like a brother to her. Toph had always resisted many of Katara's attempts at camaraderie, and Katara had worked hard to gain her trust. But this boy had burnt Toph's feet at their second meeting, and still the earthbender had put her faith in him. It wasn't fair that this pitiless betrayer could step into her role so easily, while she found herself sliding backwards into his.

It wasn't long before Katara realized jealousy had become as much a factor in her hatred of him as the pain felt from his betrayal. This, of course, renewed her resolve to hate him, if only in rebellion of that which she knew in her heart: that it was wholly unfair to treat him this way. Soon she felt she would lose herself in the hatred that was consuming her; she felt she might burst from it all. All of the anguish, from the loss of her mother, to her father's subsequent abandonment, to the betrayal at Ba Sing Se, melted together until she was almost blind with the pain.

Finally, the catalyst for her turmoil offered her a release. He took her straight to the man who had murdered her mother, giving her a scapegoat that truly deserved the fullness of her wrath, and he did so without judgment or admonishment, only quiet resolve and acceptance. And in that moment, when she felt she must kill the man who'd taken her mother from her, who'd been the ultimate source of her hatred and suffering, she saw a broken, weak, simpering man in place of her cruel, hardened scapegoat. And suddenly she realized that scapegoats weren't real. They were simply distractions, excuses; ways to prolong the pain. Hurting them wouldn't bring back her mother, or the years without her father, and it couldn't erase the scar on Aang's back. Instead, the recoil would blacken her heart forever.

And that is how Zuko, prince of the nation that killed her mother and took her father, betrayer of her trust, and focus of all her hate, after assisting her in a failed attempt at murder, taught Katara how to forgive.

After it was over, she walked up to the sullen firebender and embraced him, laughing at his confusion. She could forgive, and it would start with him.

* * *

A/N: Whew. That was fun. Now I'll go crawl back in my hole. Review! Pleeease.

….I think I have a slight obsession with "reflection" pieces (Revelations, Breaking Bonds…hehe)…Got to get back to actual plot!


End file.
